Rut

Familiarity can be a trap
and it’s scary
how easily my form has taken shape
wedging snugly in that groove
when all I want
is something healthy, something new

Like rain riding gravity to the lowest point,
I slide into
The cracks I knew
The way my fingers bend around you
Into the soft spot near your elbow, the folds behind your neck,
The valley where your hip meets thigh

When it just seems so snug
Don’t be deceived
Habits also come with
The ease that feels like
A good thing
But you’re just falling
Lulled into another place you thought you know
My synapses have this map
Of his musk
The touch that begs a trail
To the bed
The glacier tracing folds and ravines
Unseen

And I can’t rightly say
That I know the strength
Of finding another way, to
Head up and learn anew
A new route
To forge through and find a peak
That gets me.

I want to dangle off the side
Stay in sight and
Excitedly keep trying and failing
Let my rough edges fray
And dance on slipping tectonic plates
Gaining all the wind, the bewilderment
My mind stretching to see new things
No matter where it goes
Hands searching unfounded territory
Tangling my nails in messes of his hair
With fistfuls of flesh
Grappling to stay on
I will see where it takes me

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Published in: on April 4, 2019 at 12:23 am  Leave a Comment  
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Erosion

Every piece will be dissolved
Tides lick at the sugary soil
And you know how it feels
To be the cattle worn salt
Licked to grit and fading

I am the etched
Devleoping pinholes that turn into tunnels
Taking a pummel, crumbling
Coming undone
And letting it happen.

Most days, I would rather be the wave
Salivating and slurping
Forcefully back, the specks
Of things that once stood firm

Every lap of liquid lip
Dragging the essence
of every jagged tip
That lies in the way of me
Obsessed, wet
Coming to shred rough edges
And gulp them into oblivion

I’d rather be the sea
Rocking and swaying
Splashing and sucking
Surging, swallowing
Gasping, swirling…
What I wouldn’t do
To wash every bit of everything,
Including you, with my salty juice

And I CAN’T STOP NOW!
The moon made me do it!
This lollipop lullaby,
This metronome motion,
Contracting ocean
Take it down
To it’s very core!

Erosion through
Every gushy explosion
My unstoppable droplets
Conspiring, corrupting
Fragments I meet
Sweet melting into me
More licks in than the owl
One, two, therrrrreeee

Eons of persistence
Smoothing roughness
Eating holes
Through stone
Smashing away pebbles of confidence;
The outline of my boundary
Lined with tiny skulls of earth

My ardent quest
Blasting layers
Fizzy foam slapping
Each morsel that I seize,
Spilling all over
And while at times, I will
lap slow,
Know that I am savoring the minerals

I will rinse its dirt gone
And agitate it in my deepest belly
I’ll ebb and swish and spatter
Collecting, coercing, immersing
With a persistent desire to
Swallow it whole

And I will never be full.

Published in: on April 3, 2019 at 11:29 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Cured

Wet, gray sludge
Hardened to slab
My experience sucks me dry
Of time for your bullshit
No pacing.

Still.

Holding my space

Published in: on April 3, 2019 at 11:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Matters over Mattress

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It’ll be much easier
to lie on a bed of Nails
than the one you made for me
Matters over mattress
Our bodies used to curve;
Two serpents, swerved
And bent into softness
With a slow hiss
But goodness,
Your venom!
Rather, I’ll be spread out
Balancing on 2,000 tips
Simultaneously feeling every
One digging in
Aware, and glad
To know I can feel this happening
That I can just choose to fall asleep
And in my dreams
I don’t worry about you visiting

I can make my own bed
Imagine my own comfort
Outside of your demands
Use my own hands
Context over texture
The rapid squeeze
You don’t understand
Whisper hiss
Buzz and grind
I’ll be making sweet
With feels and dreams
Conjuring fields and streams
And take up whatever space
I want in this bed

Remote

You left me turned on
Neon in the frozen dawn
Static buzzing
You wake
To turn my knob
And leave me alone again
Still a hum
Lingering fuzz
Spark, crackle, fade
Wait wait wait

On, again
You watch me, intently
Silently squint at me
Then I’m ignored,
Your throat roars
You never touched me
Back to static
My electricity:
Pulsing automatic
My dumb white noises:
Background lullabies

Off again,
Staring with my black eye
Is it guilt or laziness that brings you by?
I see you splayed
And that thing in your hand
Scanning disinterestedly through
My content
And you somehow come to me
Nightly, still
Not to touch,
But only see
Until you fall asleep,
Repeat

I just wish
You would touch me
Turn me on
These buttons have not been poked for so long
I swear, I’ll glitch
To get a hard smack
I’d take that
And give you free pay-per-view
Push.
MY..
Buttons…

Published in: on January 30, 2019 at 9:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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VOID

I will fill the void you left with something else
Fill the void with merriment and revelry
Merriment and maybe tv, if no one thinks of me
If no one thinks I’m worth a shot
I’m worth a shot right through the heart
Right through the silence in my room
The silence in things we assume
Things we assume about each other go wrong
I’ve got it wrong, dude, I know that song
But I know that songs keep me here
Keep me here and feeling SO much
Feeling so much love with nowhere to go
Nowhere, no one to take my joy inside
Taking my joy and leaving it to rust outside
Leaving it to them, I’d be floundering
I’d be fonder if we were encountering
We were encountering understanding of humanity, I thought
And I understand humanity has a way of getting lost
Getting lost in safeguarding themselves, then will pose as trolls
Safeguarding themselves with gossip for fools
For foolsake I even liked those girls
Like those girls, I’ve been torn down
I’ve been torn between forgiveness and doubt
And I doubt much will change with this poem
Much will change when we don’t have room left in that void
We don’t have room for cruelty and fortresses
Cruelty that forces us to hide from those that hurt us
Hide from the hurt that comes from letting anything in
I’m letting in all the wash of feelings
The wash that fills my void with suds and love
My void is brimming with so much
With so much of what could be
What could be nicer is if we had lunch
If we had time to listen to the hiss of air leaving that empty pit
Leaving that empty pit full, like a fruit basket
Full like a well fed beast who is content to dream
I’m content to dream this space to it’s brim
This space will be served until then
Until then, think about self-preservation,
But be selfless in your reservations

No one should feel empty
Hug somebody soon

Published in: on January 28, 2019 at 1:57 am  Leave a Comment  
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Syntax

The syntax in my fingers
Has become unbearably more
Than autocorrect can handle

I fumble and twitch
To the tune of clumsy anxiety
My notoriety is confusion

My digits dance
In epileptic fits
Every keyboard, an alphabetic disco floor
Waiting to be defiled

The erroneous strokes
Evoke a joke
That says my phalanges
Are broke

Published in: on January 27, 2019 at 11:19 pm  Comments (2)  
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ICU

I see you
You show me pictures of how you used to be
And I don’t care
I don’t care that you’ve changed because I’m here with you now
And still, I love you
I, too, look back and long for the me
Before the damage
I understand.
But I can’t stay there
And neither should you

I look at pictures
to remind me how good I’ve had it
And how I can make new ones to joyfully reflect on
As the arbiter of my life
I have sought and carried out
disseminating seeds of joy
For future me,
Who should love memory
Without bitterness

Do we not know that things wear and break?
And someday everything will have once been better?
When you lose control of what is happening to you
Gain it in another area
The person you were is still buried below your altered surface
And you don’t need a picture
to show me who you were
I see you

Published in: on January 25, 2019 at 2:15 am  Leave a Comment  
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Melt

Our first kiss:
my lips wrapped in tinfoil

paper ticker-tape candy fortune
trailing out in small blue lettering
foretelling the things I want to do to you;
the way I want your heat
to meet
my chocolate interior and melt through
until the sweetness is thick over your tongue
spazzing uvula can’t stay where it’s hung
if the warm rush comes
and you swallow the flood
of my tinseled gift confection;
in your palm,
I am ready to be unwrapped

Published in: on January 24, 2019 at 7:53 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Accidental Burial at Sea

I lower cased until I CAPSIZED
Adrift and split
Eyes narrowing
It drank me like tea at sunrise
Abyssmal kiss
I stared too long and fell in
And whole!; descending…
The ephemeral throat could gargle me
Salt sterile
We’ll find out which beastly fish are feral
I’m a feast of goo
Scraping the floors of liquid limbo
Sway dancing in my gelatinous ignorance
Dismantling one bite at a time
Just like all my days before
But now,
I’m already gone and don’t care
This is the last meal

Give me coral reef ribs
And lurking crabs in my skull
I give thanks to
The pall-bearing aqua layers
That buried me soft
And the pinhole of light;
My last sight
When I made peace
With the deep

Published in: on January 12, 2019 at 12:50 am  Comments (2)  
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Done

You’re uncouth and it’s unbearable
In fact I find it terrible
You can’t have what you don’t get
I’m miss understood
and you’re miss interpret
Bitch, it hurts when you talk like those ugly men
And I don’t wanna relive that again
Make a story where I’m crazy
To tell all your friends
And forget the parts where I got screwed by you
Each tightening twist that ensued
How you said I was rude and your folds
Left me gasping for air I was due
For my honesty, I got speculation
And for effort, I got no reciprocation
For your vile remarks, and my retort in barks
When I should have responded with automation?
Fuck that! I held even more back
And now I’m holding it all
You have no access
To the lessons I gathered
from this mess of effort
I have too many storms to weather
To try to be ever-present
For someone who just doesn’t get it
To care is to treasure the memories
Self-reflection is not your enemy
Having the last word is not important to me

Published in: on November 12, 2018 at 10:09 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Fever

I’ve come down with a fever
My temp is dependent on a few numbers
30 and rising is the difference in degrees between us
and 86.7 are the miles keeping us apart
And, honey, it’s so hard
All I want is to break this fever
And smash my self deep into your toasty skin
You’re the only warmth I want seeping in
Squirming and writhing through this valley fume
Just to reach you, I’ll scale tasks and maps
I’ll span the schedule gaps
And launch myself into your lap

The seizures I suffer,
Aftershocks and twitches, my lover;
Your steam whispered hot…
I am finding this tougher to survive
It’s much easier to admit this
That all I want
Is to call in sick and
Suck your sweat
Into every damn pore of mine,
Break this fever
Like an egg over your lips
And quiet my convulsive quiver
Beneath those silky fingertips

So if you want to know
why I am glowing these many days;
burning and biting and restless,
It is that untempered temperature
My heart smashing arrhythmically
Desperate for a degree
That washes me with ease

The doctor said
My pharmacy is on a swift road west
I guess there will be relapse after relapse
And perhaps with frequent treatment
And your hands behind my knee bends
Together, we can beat, this.

Published in: on August 18, 2018 at 10:12 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Static Screen

Some downpours are percussion
So fierce I confuse it for static hum
The world around me crackling so hard with black and white
That it has washed over in gray blur
It stirs in me a discontent
The white noise dampening my senses
My bones buzzing in winces
It’s an electric fence that keeps me aching stone still
Until I trance-walk into that ghastly screen,
Dripping, dissipating, fragmented, unseen
I will sing with the fuzz
The incessant tap dance of wet haze,
Until I melt into rhythm, swallow hard… erase

Published in: on April 20, 2018 at 9:16 pm  Comments (1)  
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Big lots

I’m an ugly brand of cursed
I don’t know which is worse
The flimsy packaging
Or the aftertaste

Rebrand me all you try
I’m not selling out
A product of a fired staff
I’m a dream that should have died

I’m not hard to open
I haven’t gone stale
I haven’t expired
But I’m tired

Just a weird concept
Pushed into production
Devalued
And waiting to be free

Published in: on April 13, 2018 at 12:56 am  Leave a Comment  
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A witch’s resignation

You might say that I am getting older;
That I will get old.
I have always felt old, and I am done.

I will say that lines
will take shape around the curves of my face
To warn people I have done too much...
Cared too much

And you may say I'm getting bolder;
That I have gotten bold.
I have not been bold enough, young man!

I will say that my nerves
Have recoiled from the surface,
Retreated to a deep space
for the brave to discover,
With backhoes

You may say that I have grown colder, 
that I am getting cold. 
I have no want of coldness, save for sweet death
 
I will say that I would die to feel a little warmth
And I would not mind
If you'd just burn me at
The stake
Published in: on February 7, 2018 at 12:44 am  Leave a Comment  

Spexamy

someday this rock will blow!
and a spec of me will fall like snow 
Onto the moon

gravity unconfined, we'll joyride
through seas of galaxies
far and wide 
Me and the moon
 
off-balance and untethered 
devoid of day, devoid of weather 
Until I fall off of the moon
 
knobby asteroids and space trash
warming me with their shrapnel crash
I float-nap on the moon

my tears initiate and hover 
the blast shatters light like kaleidoscope lovers  
Blow-up the hurling stone moon
Published in: on February 6, 2018 at 11:59 pm  Leave a Comment  

Game for 1

You built a fantasy I didnt create

You filled in the blanks

And signed my name

You rolled the dice and moved my piece
bet on the wrong deal
and lost your fleece

I’m finding out who you’re bein’
The dead end your facing
And the ghosts you’re seein’

I’ve gone round and round to dizziness
I signed a different contract
And I mind my business

I’m stacking pages in this wicked lore
Spread that ink
And shake that core

All these sheets of ink and beds that sink
I sleep in the middle
And you still drink

And I’ve shredded everything that binds
Shed obligation
And crossed the lines

To be alone with myself, rediscovered
A free agent
I float and don’t hover

I checked my strength, checked my hits
On my own,
I know I got this

I asked to play, not compete
And what’s the point
When you just cheat?

Published in: on December 29, 2017 at 12:01 am  Leave a Comment  
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Neptune’s muse

I’m beside
the seaside
On my inside
and it’s all too clear

I’ve got to get out of here

My core sways
All day
And I churn with the waves

It’s the only way

I am glitter wet
A rhythmic crash
A force unabashed

And my poor heart swims
Fed by the channels
Of a land I forgot

This is all I’ve got

droplets, caught
in an inverted bowl
every puddle, whole

I rage and splash
lick and swell, consistenly
pulsing steadily

can’t help but be

Neptune’s muse
neptunes muse

Published in: on September 5, 2017 at 11:46 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Ruins

Crown of boulders
On your head
You’re dead inside

Your neck
A pillar hollowed dry
Where your feelings tried

To claw their way out
Force open your maw
That has petrified

Streams of tears
Long as interstates
Mark you

Like maps
Tattered in darkest
Gloveboxes

You loss is mine
You’ve lost your shine
And won’t again

All beauty is in ruins
And if you look
With naked eyes

The faint cracks detail
ancient struggle
A will forsaken

An ignored landscape
Suffocation
And ultimately

Resignation

These days
You wouldn’t mind
Some lava flows
A retweet
Or a birthday card

But it’s to hard with
All those boulders

On your crown

Published in: on May 10, 2017 at 11:38 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Taken

I'm being stripped of everything 
And I want nothing left to take
Nothing left to guard
 That's what is hard

To have something they want
And watch as they misuse it
 All the white-teethed family portraits

Are exposed through a wash
Of intentional obliviousness
 You can't be blindsided when you're blind-sighted

But I'm awake, and I see
What it seizes
 And I cease to freeze and become the numb end of a heist

I'm not gonna fight.
I'm gonna throw the match
Published in: on May 5, 2017 at 12:56 am  Leave a Comment  
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